The Style Invitational Week 985 What art art thou
By Pat Myers, Thursday, August 23, 2:51 PM
The Style Invitational’s
Almost Forever Cartoonist, Bob Staake, has taken to posting on Facebook like a
. . . well, like a compulsive Facebook poster, delighting his 4,999 “friends”
not only with off-the-wall, often tasteless status lines (“I’ll never snort
bath salts with a monkey again, I’ll never snort bath salts with a monkey
again”) but also with various samples of his many book projects and cartoons —
including ones for the Invitational. The problem is that most of Bob’s
“friends” aren’t familiar with the Invite, and he’ll often post the cartoon
from one of our contests without a caption or any other context, thus prompting
a rushed explanation and link from the Empress. This week: Tell us which Style
Invitational contest any of these Bob Staake cartoons might be illustrating —
either one of our real contests or one you make up. (Click on the thumbnails to
see Cartoons 2-5.) Usually, the cartoon illustrates a sample entry for that
week; your entry may either describe the contest and provide the example, or
treat the cartoon as an illustration of the contest’s concept itself. If you’re
new to the Invite, you’ll want to look at the dozens of past contests and cartoons
posted at wapo.st/StyleInv. Be sure that your entry makes clear which cartoon
you’re referring to; clicking on “caption” shows you the numbers.
Winner gets the Inkin’
Memorial, the bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy, along
with a copy of that week’s print Invitational signed and dedicated by the
Bobster himself. Second place also receives the Bobographed paper as well as a
tin of Zombie Mints — “Mmmm! Brain Flavor!” (or at least, really, “artificial
meat flavor”; tastes just like artificial meat, we guess), donated by Loser Pie
Snelson.
Other runners-up win their
choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt, a yearned-for Loser Mug
or the ardently desired Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after
Loser magnet. First Offenders get a smelly, tree-shaped air “freshener”
(FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to losers@washpost.com or fax to
202-334-4312. Deadline is Tuesday, Sept. 4; results published Sept. 23 (online
Sept. 20). No more than 25 entries per entrant per week. Include “Week 985” in
your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real
name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and
guidelines at wapo.st/inviterules. The subhead for this week’s honorable
mentions is by Kathy El-Assal. The revised title for next week is by Robert
Schechter. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at
on.fb.me/invdev.
Report from Week 981, in which we asked you to come up with funny test questions and/or
answers for applicants for a particular job: Some entries were more like job
interview questions but otherwise met the stated parameters of acceptability
within our evaluative rubric. In other words, close enough because they were
funny.
The winner of the Inkin’ Memorial
Job: Suicide prevention
hotline:
Q. A caller claims he has
nothing left to live for. What do you do first?
A. Remind him not to end a
sentence with a preposition. (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.)
2. Winner of the tacky seashell
sculpture of a motorcycle-riding cat:
For a Metrorail station
manager:
Q. The elevators are broken
at the Bethesda station, and two escalators have just stopped running, too.
What do you do first?
A. Do? (Ellen Ryan,
Rockville, Md.)
3. For a car salesman:
Q. What are your salary
requirements?
A. I’ll have to check with my
manager. (David Genser, Poway, Calif.; Martin Bancroft, Rochester, N.Y.)
4. For a vice presidential
candidate:
Q. Do you have any skeletons
in your closet?
A, Literally? (Tom Witte,
Montgomery Village, Md.)
Quizzically challenged: Honorable mentions
For a voice-over for a pickup
truck commercial:
Q. How rough and gravelly
should your voice be when discussing the manly attributes of this vehicle?
A. From sunup to sundown, uphill
in the burnin’ desert or pert’ near buried in blindin’ snow, my throat’ll be
winchin’ up ever’ last deep-fried rumble from the hardworkin’ depths of my
galvanized diaphragm and torquin’ it through my wise and leathery lips. (David
Ballard, Reston, Va.)
For a cable guy:
Q. What is the significance
of 11:59 a.m. in our industry?
A. Time to begin your 8
a.m.-to-noon installations. (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.)
For a tabloid journalist:
Quotes are:
A. The words the subject
said.
B. The words the subject
would have said if he were more interesting.
C. The words the subject
would have said if he hadn’t been made up. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.)
For an office worker:
Instead of “casual Fridays,”
we have “Austrian Tuesdays.” Do you own a pair of lederhosen? (Jon Reiser,
Hilton, N.Y.)
For a lawyer:
Q. The Supreme Court has just
denied your emergency request to stay your client’s execution. What do you do?
A. Send a final invoice to
death row. (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.)
For a Metrorail announcer:
Q: Do you grelphmb or do you
prefer to hakkjxz? (Roy Ashley, Washington)
For a New York deli waitress:
Q. Do you scream “just hang
on, will ya” before or after you throw the menu on the table? (Ellen Raphaeli,
Falls Church, Va.)
For a psychic hotline
operator:
Q. Did we hire you tomorrow?
(Kevin Dopart, Washington)
For a résumé consultant:
Q. How you would describe
bagging groceries?
A. Food industry user
experience coordination in conjunction with retail point-of-sale process
facilitation. (Russ Taylor, Vienna, Va.)
Q. A teller provides the most
direct contact with our bank’s customers. How would you project goodwill to
them?
A. Free samples. (Jeff
Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)
For a drama critic:
Please explain why “Macbeth”
sucks. Make it all about you. (David Genser)
For a porn actress:
Q. Are you good at faking it?
A. Are you kidding? I used to
date Tom Witte. (Tom Witte)
Next week’s results: The Parody Line, or The Great
American Wrongbook